Constant fights and arguments can escalate into a bigger marital problem if you and your partner disregard the root of the problem. Does your partner feel that his needs are not met, and vice-versa? Do your communication styles clash? Whatever the reason might be, both of you need to get into the root cause of your problem to avoid lack of marriage intimacy.
Derek Powlison shares his insight on how to to stop arguments. Enjoy!
Stop Arguments Cold
By Derek L. Powlison
Arguments are common amongst couples. Whether it’s a wife bickering with her husband, or a tiff between boyfriend and girlfriend, it is perfectly normal to have disagreements. When two people spend any amount of time with each other, friction will develop. Too often, though, the argument degenerates into a polarized argument, resulting in a destructive struggle instead of working towards a constructive understanding. The key is to learn when an argument is degenerating down the destructive path, and knowing how to properly redirect it into the constructive direction.
The destructive path is clear to see when you understand what a polarized argument is. Polarized arguments are two people taking extreme positions that are complete opposites of each other, and butting heads until someone gives up. It’s not a constructive process, and it’s tell tale signs are statements such as “never”, “always”, and are often loaded with accusations and name calling, for example, using words such as “Inconsiderate”, “cold-hearted”, “uncaring”, or “frigid”.
When an argument is polarized, it’s a contest of one-upmanship. The conflict is not about solving a problem together, it’s about beating the other person in a painful game. There are two distinct yet clear sides: Right versus wrong. Considerate versus thoughtless. Hardworking versus lazy. Regardless of where the battle line is drawn, there are two very clear and opposite sides- like the North Pole and the South Pole.
The argument will degenerate into the ridiculous- the point is not truth, but inflicting pain and proving you are better. In a heated polarized debate, it’s not hard to find yourself uttering statements like “You never pick up your socks because you never really cared about me and are just using me.” That statement is clearly intended to cut down and demean the other person -not get him to pick up his socks. The issue probably isn’t about socks, anyway.
The first key is learning to identify when a polarize argument is occurring, and to recognize the destructive and pointless nature of these arguments.
Once these arguments have been identified, the key is learning how to redirect the disagreement onto a path designed to work together to resolve the differences. This can only begin to occur when you can acknowledge the other person’s point of view and understand it, even if you don’t agree with it. This is impossible in a polarized argument with your significant other.
The best advice is to listen, empathize with the other person’s point of view, and restate it back to them to make sure that you understand.
Proper example:
He says “You’re ALWAYS telling me what to do.”
Your normal response might be -”Well, you NEVER help out around the house and I have to do it all myself!”
However, to defuse the polarized argument, an appropriate response to his above statement might be “So, what you are saying is that you feel like I am barking orders at you instead of politely asking for help when I need it?”
It’s very hard for a husband or boyfriend to respond to that question with “Oh yeah? Well you NEVER…”
This cuts right through the polarized argument, shows that you are listening to what he is saying, and shows that you understand even if you don’t agree with that point of view.
If he responds with “And I’ll tell you another thing…” he’s not ready to listen. If he isn’t responding properly to a reasonable restatement of the issue, you should probably walk away till he’s willing to listen.
If he looks surprised and says, “Well, yeah. That’s exactly what I meant,” and shuts up, then he’s ready to listen to what you have to say in return. Your next statement will be critical. You’ll need to state how you feel, in a non-threatening manner, and hopefully he’ll respond with a statement of his own indicating that he’s trying to understand your point of view.
However, many people hear the above advice on how to defuse a polarized argument, and instead of using it in a sincere manner to try to resolve the situation, they pervert it into a weapon to continue a polarized argument.
To revisit his statement: “You’re ALWAYS telling me what to do.”
If your response is “So what you’re saying is that you feel like I’m just a bossy know-it-all?” then it’s very easy for him to respond with another polarized statement-”You ALWAYS twist what I say to make me look bad.”
Your response in this case was a counter-attack, pure and simple. While you may have heard what he said, you’re just listening without understanding, and using his words against him instead of trying to resolve the situation. It’s still a polarized argument. It’s predictable.
The trick to resolving the argument is to stop trying to win, and start communicating. Often, all it takes to shut down an argument is to try to understand the other person’s point of view. Simply restate what they are saying in a way that shows you are trying to understand.
When you can communicate and understand, the situation will often be resolved with less stress and headache.
For more information on communication and understanding in a relationship, download Derek’s free ebook How to Train Your Man now from Derek Powlison’s blog at http://www.self-journey.com.
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Tags: Advice couples, couples relationship, Couples relationships, Creating Intimacy, intimacy, Marriage intimacy, marriage intimacy problems, Personal Growth, Relationship Advice, relationship couples, true intimacy
