Jul 26 2010
If you’re feeling less than satisfied with the intimacy in your marriage then start asking yourself conscious questions. Without questioning life tends to lead us around by the nose.
If the answer is yes, then ask yourself: “What can I deal in this moment to create more intimacy in my marriage?”
Ask Questions – Be Conscious – Take Action – Feel Satisfied Today
Photo:DAVIDGRAU
Jul 16 2010
Have you ever had an argument with someone and then tried to find the perfect gift to smooth things over? On the flip side, have you ever received a gift from someone who was trying to make up with you?
Did it make you want to forgive and forget immediately?
While gifts are fun to give and receive, most people experience that they don’t have much power to change the inner dynamics of a relationship. But there is one truly remarkable gift that, if given, can start to improve your relationship immediately.
Yes that’s right, we’re talking about a gift that can start improve your relationship immediately. What if we told you that this gift had the power to really affect how you relate to another person? Guess what? There really is such a gift — the gift of presence!
Now, we’re not talking about “presents,” the kind you give for Christmas or birthdays; the presence that we mean is your personal presence—your full attention with an agenda-free willingness to listen to what the other person has to say. Presence is a gift we could all use on a regular basis.
“If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.” – Marge Piercy
~How to Present Your Presence~
Before you can truly give someone your presence, you need to take yourself out of the equation. Giving the gift of presence means that you’re there for the other person 100%, without thinking about how their words or actions affect you. In other words, when they start to talk about their perception of the situation, you can’t take things personally.
It helps to remember that everything everyone does or says is in support of something they value. If you choose to give the gift of your presence and in the middle of it you start feeling upset, try to imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask yourself the question, “What could I be valuing that would have me say or do this?”
As an example, let’s say you ask your relationship partner to tell you what they would like to have in their relationship with you. You ask, “What kinds of things are important to you?” In response, you might hear something like, “You need to stop acting like such a know-it-all.”
At this point STOP — remember that what they just said is NOT about you and don’t take it personally.
Believe it or not, your partner just gave you a precious gift wrapped up inside the message, “I want you to stop being such a know-it-all.” This message is the key to unlocking a value that is incredibly important to them.
Now you can ask yourself, “I wonder what they value that’s missing for them in our relationship?” Doing so allows you to be present to the meaning that is underneath their words. This allows you the opportunity to try and understand what value might prompt them to say such a thing.
For example , you might guess that they value acknowledgment and want some appreciation for all the things they know, or maybe they just want the opportunity to contribute more to the relationship. It’s even possible that all they really want is a deeper sense of connection with you. Of course, you won’t know if your guess is accurate without checking with them first, so take this opportunity to ask them!
If nothing you suggest strikes a chord for your partner, ask them for help in understanding the value beneath the message. The worst thing that could happen is for them to respond with another judgment or criticism, which will give you another opportunity to identify what it is that they really want. If you guess accurately the first time, continue exploring the things that are most important to them.
“The beginning of wisdom is silence. The second step is listening.” ~Anonymous
You’ve probably heard the old Navaho Indian saying: “The best way to get to know a person is to walk a mile in their moccasins.”
As a general rule, people tend to walk about 2 1/2 miles per hour, so it takes around 24 minutes to walk a mile. Try giving your partner your undivided presence for a half an hour.
During this time spend ZERO minutes defending yourself, being right, educating them, giving them advice, or anything else other than focusing all your attention on the things that they value — the things that are important to them. Once you can identify the values that drive their actions, you’ll find it much easier to understand the reasons behind their words.
The best thing about this special gift is that it doesn’t cost a thing and you have a limitless supply. Start giving the gift of presence and see how much you get in return.
If it’s time for you to start giving the gift of presence or you’d like to uncover additional self-help techniques that support healthy, happy relationships then it’s time for you to sign up for our free thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips email series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com
Each tip offers practical advice for creating success and happiness in your relationships and in your life.
Or visit us at: http://www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com
Apr 18 2010
It’s not too late!
Does it seem as if your marriage intimacy slipping away? If so, before you start thinking that it’s inevitable, stop, it’s not too late. What is true is that relationships evolve over time. It’s true that your relationship is going to change shape and size, no matter what you do, but, that doesn’t mean that you can’t be involved in how it changes. Sitting down with your spouse, find common goals – come up with strategies to improve your intimacy and stick to them. Getting back on track is really up to you.
To get started, you and your spouse need to work on pinpointing exactly where you’d like to see your relationship going. Imagine your lives together one year from now. What would you like to see change in that time? Don’t worry about how to get there yet. Just imagine where you’d like to be. For example, perhaps you’d like to spend more time together, or you’d like to see more open and focused communication. Once you know what you want, it will be much easier to get it.
After you’ve established a few things that you’d like to see change, write down a list of ways you can accomplish those things. Be sure to think with a ‘we’ mentality and not a ‘me’ mentality. Instead of thinking, “I want more quality time with you,” change your language to include your partner in the action. Something like, “We ought to spend more time with one another,” might not seem to be dramatically different, but the idea is to find common goals that you can both work on.
Make a Plan
Once you’ve found a few ways that you plan to work on improving your marriage intimacy, set specific goals. For example, if your goal was to spend more quality time with one another, perhaps you’d set a date night each week. You might decide to work together to save money to take a trip twice a year. Whatever your goals are, clearly outline them and create a plan in writing. This creates accountability and an easy way to track your progress.
One thing to remember is that you won’t change your relationship over night. You didn’t get to where you are in a day, so there’s no reason to expect to get where you’d like to be in a day. The goal is to be moving forward. If you slip up and find yourselves getting off track, don’t despair. No one is perfect, and no relationship is perfect. Your goal is progress – not perfection. If you’ve assigned goals that are reasonable and sustainable over the long term, you should be able to move forward and get back on track, despite minor hiccups along the way.
Marriage intimacy is just one piece of a satisfying marriage. At first, you and your spouse are likely to remain intimate without much effort. As it becomes more difficult to stay connected, don’t judge yourself or your partner. Instead, stay focused on finding common ground, setting specific goals, and keeping each other accountable for those goals. As you continue down this path of accountability, you’ll find your relationship getting closer and closer to where you want it to be.
If you are interested in other communication and relationship enhancing strategies visit: www.NewAgeSelfHelp.com or: www.FocusedAttention.com and remember, the amount of marriage intimacy in your relationship is really up to you.
